tumbleweed

I may be switching to tumblr. I just made one today, I'm going to test it out and then decide whether I like this or that better.

Here is my tumblr:

noriseahorse.tumblr.com

bang bang bangity bang

Spent the night with my ex. I am like 99% sure he is a hypnotist. That is the only explanation. He's been SUCH an asshole but we keep on bangin'. Siiiiigh. He's cheated on me like a billion times, makes fun of me constantly, and left me for another girl TWICE. A whole lot of my self esteem issues can be traced back to him. But I really like sex and I don't have a whole lot of options. On the bright side, I bet it burns a whole lot of calories! And I am feeling pretty motivated not to eat since he is super skinny and tells me I am fat and out of shape. Aaagh SHOULD NOT WANT TO BANG. But I do. What is wrong with me?!

I want to go to Toronto to visit my friend. I don't make friends easily and I can never keep them long, which sucks. I really miss her. I am seriously thinking of hitch hiking but my passport just expired and I have babysitting obligations all month and my parents are talking about sending me to stay with my grandparents in Boston to help take care of my grandmother for awhile. That scares me. When you add the whole ex boyfriend situation in I am feeling like I'm being sucked into a life I REALLY don't want to be in. I'll just keep agreeing to babysit one more day, help out one more person, see him one more time, until I have a job and a relationship and an apartment and I won't be able to leave. As soon as I get my passport and babysitting money I am finding a new place to be. I am sick of Massachusetts. I am sick of everyone looking down on everyone else and always scowling and cold. And Nova Scotia's nice and friendly but there is nothing to do and I don't fit in. It shouldn't be this hard to find a place where I feel like I can stay still.

Things I Ate Today
Chicken Parmesan Sandwich (purged)
Pesto Onion Pizza (purged)
tomorrow i will do better.

workin' on my pancakes

I love the Bob Seger song Night Moves because you can replace the words "night moves" with pretty much anything and have an awesome song about what you're doing. Like going through a corn maze or making shorts or eating pancakes! We had breakfast for dinner tonight. I love night pancakes.

I have not been blogging for tooooo long. My week break ended up being way longer than a week. I don't even have an excuse, I've just been lazy. Also been binging/purging pretty much every day which is just plain shameful! Also seeing my ex boyfriend again which is a million times more shameful. We've had this horrible on again off again thing going on for the past four and a half years. That is a LONG TIME. A lot of lies and bad times. I'm only 19, what am I doing? I haven't had a real relationship with anyone else and he is a diiiiiick but we keep getting back together! It's ridiculous. I wasn't planning on talking about him but it is kind of infuriating and ranting helps.

I have been feeling crafty lately. Also sleepy and too lazy to finish a big project, so I've just been making lots of little origami things out of travel magazines and playing with fabric and knitting. I am making a pretty lacy shawl for my grandmother because she is in the hospital again. I hope it comes out alright, it looks nice so far but i have like 30 stitches more than i'm supposed to and I don't know why! Oh well, the bigger the better probably.

I'm not even going to say everything I ate today. It was a lot but I purged it all. And I am alright with it because we had night pancakes! I've also started the couch to 5k running program. I started it awhile ago actually. Jeez I really haven't written anything in a long time! My first day of running I thought I was going to die. The first week's supposed to be easy but I am really out of shape. And no matter where you go you will be running up a giant hill in this town. Honestly. Everything hurt. Buuuuut I bought a pair of running shoes and went through the humiliating horror that is sports bra shopping for a 32DD, so I gotta stick with it. It's already gotten easier and more fun. Got to work harder.

books

I've skipped a few days and I am going to skip a few more days. There is one week out of the month I just do not want to tell the internet how much I weigh and the disgusting things I'm eating. So here is a list of some of my favorite books. They have nothing to do with weight loss or fitness, they are just books that I would recommend reading because they are great. And I'm not going to talk about what they're about because I don't want to give anything away.

1. East of Eden by John Steinbeck. ALL TIME FAVORITE BOOK. I am very wishy washy and can never decide my favorites of anything, but this book is so good I cried when I finished it. I was happy because it was great but I WANTED MORE. Man. I'm going to start re reading it tomorrow. He should have won the Nobel for this instead of Pastures of Heaven. I love Pastures of Heaven but East of Eden deserved it so much more.

(sidenote, the rest of these aren't in order of how much i like them. i could never decide that.)

2. Of Human Bondage by W Somerset Maugham. This is great to read if you have just graduated and have no idea what is going to happen with your life and you are scared. I read it after quitting University for the second time after changing my major three times after running away from my problems too many times. Also my boyfriend had just left me for another girl for the second time and I moved to a different country than where all my friends were. This is a good book to read if you are in that sort of mindset. It will make you feel better, as long as you get to the end.

3. Song of Solomon OR Beloved by Toni Morrison. I love Toni Morrison. She writes so beautifully. Really some of the most heartbreakingly beautiful words I've ever read.

4. The Old Curiosity Shop by Charles Dickens. Really anything by Dickens is worth reading, but Quilp is so freaking fascinating to me. I mean, Dickens isn't where to go if you're looking for something really deep and meaningful, but if you want an amazingly intricate, insanely detailed story with lots and lots of wild and crazy characters you can become really attached to, Dickens is your man. I take forever to read anything by him, he's one of my favorite authors.

5.  Pretty much anything by John Irving except Setting Free the Bears. If anyone else had that many recurring elements in every single book they write I would hate them, but John Irving can do whatever the hell he wants and I will like it. I wouldn't recommend Setting Free the Bears but he gets one free pass considering how many other awesome books he's written.

6. The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka. I hated this book at first. After giving it more than two seconds' thought and actually making an effort at understanding the metaphors I loved it.

7. The Stranger by Albert Camus. I've read three different translations of this. I was totally obsessed with it after I read it for the first time. I even tried reading it in the original french a few times but my french is hooooorrible. If you speak french you would probably enjoy it even more. If not you may still thoroughly enjoy it. This was my introduction to existentialism and it was exactly what I was looking for at the time. Another good book to read if you're feeling lost.

Some Poets I Like
e.e. cummings
Frank O'Hara
Tony Hoagland
Charles Bukowski
Billy Collins

I am sleepy. There are probably a lot more books I will wish I had put on here but too bad.

My Dad Deserves Whatever the Hell He Wants.

Today was a binge/purge day. Blerrrg. I haven't done that in so long. I made a good dinner; brie, apple and arugula quesadillas, 364 calories a quesadilla. I would have been under my ABC limit if I only ate that, like I planned, but my dad came home with a bag of chocolate chips and asked me to make him cookies, and he's been so down about everything I had to do it. And once I had cookies I wanted to eat everything else. I'm glad I made them though. My dad is one of the greatest people who ever lived. And I'm not just saying that because he's my dad. For years he worked providing prosthetic limbs to land mine/natural disaster victims in third world countries. After that he created a social services program to help underprivileged, disabled, and abused kids. He found foster homes, adoptive parents, night school classes, tutors, driver's ed, apartments, and so much more for these kids that couldn't get any help from anyone else. But then they lost their grant money, some foster parents turned out to be horrible people, and the whole program changed entirely and moved hours and hours away. He has helped SO many people and he gets nothing in return. He gets less than nothing in return. He gets to miss out on his own family. He gets to drive hours and hours away from home almost every day. He gets to come home in the middle of the night to a cold dinner and everyone asleep. He gets to make less money than people who are just starting out. It's not fair. He is such a great person, he goes above and beyond what anyone else does. So he deserves all the cookies he can eat. We ate almost all of the cookies and watched Fringe, because the two of us always watch Fringe. Nobody else likes it. I don't even really like it, I just like watching it with him. And then I went upstairs, turned the shower on, and puked, which made me feel awful but better at the same time. I do not like doing it in this house. My dad caught me doing it once, months ago. He gets so worried, he feels he needs to help me and he just has enough to deal with already. I'm not going to do it again if I can help it. I love my dad. I want things to get better.

Well this is a depressing post.

I just had some warm milk and melatonin, hoping to sleep through the night.

Today I Ate

coffee - 5
mini tortilla with nutella - 280
8 saltines with peanut butter - 476
brie, apple, and arugula quesadillas - 364 calories
cookies  - A BUNCH.


total: whatever i puked anyway.
abc limit: 400

What's cookin' good lookin'?

139 this morning! A month ago I was nine pounds heavier! I have been extremely lazy today though, I have had NO exercise, not even wii fit. I am not getting my hopes up for tomorrow's weight, even though I stayed under my ABC limit. I'm still in a good mood though, I had fun today. Watched Breakfast at Tiffany's and Raiders of the Lost Ark. It didn't hit me what a weird combination that is until I just typed it out.


I made dinner tonight! Making it myself is really the only way to guarantee it's under my calorie limit, and it's not like anyone's going to complain about me making them dinner. I made a spinach and feta calzone casserole, it's another Cooking Light recipe. 275 calories a serving and it's super tasty and filling! My cooking skills can be described as virtually nonexistent when it comes to anything besides cakes, cookies, and pizza dough, but this was super easy. And GOOD. I was happy with it. Especially happy since I stayed under 300 calories! I like making dough. Pizza dough is fun but it's all in a food processor, this was all by hand so there was more kneading, which i enjoy thoroughly. I really like cooking. Eating, not so much. I'm going to try to cook as often as I can. It's a really enjoyable way to improve myself and keep exact track of my calories. Doesn't get much better than that.


I can't stop listening to the song She's a Jar by Wilco. Even though it makes me sad. It's so good. I wish I could afford to go to Solid Sound this year.

Things I Ate Today

green tea - 0

coffee - 5

spinach and feta calzone casserole - 275

Total: 280
ABC Limit: 300

bed bed bed

139.5! SUCK IT, WORLD! Waaaahaha I felt so good when I saw that this morning. I know weight is fickle and it'll probably be up and down all over the place this week, but I am happy right now. Back on track! I've been up since 4:30 though and am exhausted so I won't say much today. Hopefully I will sleep through the night tonight for once?

Things I Ate Today

green tea - 0

ginger tea - 0

2/3 cup cheese tortellini with 1 tbsp pesto - 320

mini tortilla with 1 tbsp cinammon raisin peanut butter - 160 (I could have done without this, but i really wanted something sweet and I was considerably under 500)

Total Calories: 480
ABC Limit: 500

ABC, 123, baby you and me girrrrl

Got to weigh myself again. 142. That's a pound and a half more than Thursday. Ugh. I knew I gained over the weekend. It's actually not as much as I thought it would be, but still. I really have to try harder. I'm starting ABC today! It's going to be hard but I really think I can do it. The fasting and really low cal days will be especially difficult since I'm at home and people might get suspicious, but I'll think of something. I feel great about today. I exercised a LOT and stayed under 500 calories! And I babysat my favorite little girl in the whole world! She's sho cute. It's been a good day. I hope tomorrow will be just as successful. Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my best days.

Man. I was so close to convincing my parents to buy a new exercise bike and then all our appliances stopped working at once. We had to buy a new dishwasher and dryer and there is no way they'll buy a bike now. I need to find a way to get more cardio into my routine. I am way too self conscious to start running, even though I'm in the middle of nowhere and no one would see me anyway. My plan was to start off on an exercise bike and once I was stronger and thinner I'd start running, buuuuut that's not happening. When nobody else is here I can get a little cardio in by running up and down the stairs but my family would think I was insane if I did that while they were here. I'll just have to do a lot more of everything else that isn't noisy or obtrusive when they're around.

Ok since I'm starting ABC I'm going to post how much of everything I'm eating and how many calories are in it. I'm hoping posting it online will make me more accountable for what I'm doing.

Things I Ate Today

green tea - 0

coffee - 5? (I've gotten a lot of different reports as to how many calories are in a cup of black coffee, but I know it's not a lot.)

2 tortilla chips - 33 (JESUS CHRIST tortilla chips are horrible for calories! i figured hey, 2 chips won't hurt right? THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR EATING BEFORE CHECKING!)

1/3 cup craisins - 130

1 slice whole grain bread with 2 tablespoons chunky peanut butter - 300 (words cannot express how much I love peanut butter. so many calories....)

Total Calories: 468
ABC limit: 500
:D SUCCESS. But I didn't make the wisest choices today, everything I ate was really small in quantity and high in calories. I was kind of on the spot though and couldn't take the time to find better options. I will be better.

sleepless

I woke up at 5:30 this morning. I always wake up early but this is ludicrous. I woke up at midnight and got back to sleep, but I couldn't do it again at 5:30. And I was at the bookbinding studio today. Sooo tiiiired. But there's no food there! That's a good thing! I came home and had some tea and Craisins and read for awhile. I love being able to curl up by the fire with my cat and a cup of tea and just read. I really needed to do laundry and finish cleaning my room but I was just too tired to care. I need to do something about this waking up at random hours during the night thing. It's been going on for over a month, waking up anywhere between 1 and 6. I started taking melatonin before I go to bed, that's definitely helped. Hopefully tonight I'll get a full night's sleep. And tomorrow I GET TO BE ALONE. FINALLY. I haven't been able to weigh myself in days, I don't know what to expect. It's probably going to be awful but once I know where I am I'll know what I need to do.

Seriously, tomorrow's going to be great. It will be so quiet and I can work out as much as I want and people won't offer me food and I can read in peace! I'm reading Barnaby Rudge right now. I love Dickens. I haven't talked about books yet on this blog, I should. Maybe tomorrow I'll post a list of books I'd recommend reading or something?

Things I Ate Today
decaf constant comment tea (I don't like decaf but I never drink caffeine after 3. I have enough sleeping problems as it is.)
craisins
chicken, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce (oof. i only had a little of each though... i mostly filled myself up with water.)

confession:

I bleached my mustache today.
Haha it seems like such a funny thing to do but I'm glad I did it. I know that nobody else ever noticed it and it was probably all in my head, but I'm still glad I did it. Makes me feel better. I'm really working on improving my overall appearance, it makes me want to eat less and work out more. It's so easy to just throw on jeans and a sweatshirt and not care what I look like, and that makes me not care what I eat. Does that make sense? I'm spending a lot of time choosing clothes, doing makeup, fixing my hair... I feel better when I look better, and I know I'd look even better if I was thinner. I haven't been counting calories the past few days since I've had a cold and was focusing on getting healthy, so I've definitely gained weight but I have a good feeling about how this week will go. I'm working tomorrow so I will be far away from my kitchen and all its food, and I'm babysitting on Tuesday night so I won't have to eat dinner at all! I'm excited for that. I have a good feeling about this week.



Watched Moon tonight. LOVE. I love Sam Rockwell.

Things I Ate Today
green tea
coffee + biscotti (dipping biscotti in coffee is amazing when I'm craving dessert, nonni's original biscotti is 90 calories, it's like having my favorite part of tiramisu!)
beef stew (I wish I knew how many calories were in it. It was extra lean stew meat and mostly vegetables and I didn't have a biscuit or anything with it... so I'm trying not to dwell on it.)

So yeah, I've been slacking off on keeping exact track of calories, but I am going to be way better this week. Nothing but dinner tomorrow, and hopefully nothing at all the day after that. Feeling good.

water water everywhere but i'm a dumbass.

I've felt really really good for the past few weeks. Like better than ever. I've been exercising and losing weight and getting my life back on track, it's been great. And I've had a ton more energy, despite getting less sleep than ever. But today I felt like crap. It was awful. The thing that was the worst about it was that it was just this vague, undefined sense of discomfort so there was nothing I could do to fix it because I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I felt drained and unhappy and uncomfortable and I just started eating hoping it would make me feel better. Of course that made me feel much worse, and nothing satisfied me anyway. About ten minutes ago I drank a tall glass of ice water and immediately realized I'm a fucking idiot. The past few weeks I've been keeping a pint glass of ice water in my hand at all times. Today the only thing I drank was tea. I'm about as far from a health expert as a person can get, but I can't say enough about how important and wonderful water is. Seriously. I love water.

I also love having a projector! And a decent stereo system to go along with said projector! It's useless during the day since this house is essentially one giant room made of windows but I'm still pretty psyched. We just watched Memento on it. AWESOME. There were a few problems with the dog standing in front of it and the cat trying to pull the sheet off the wall but it was still great.

Things I Ate Today (this is gonna be rough)
green tea
saltines with peanut butter
lindt truffles (ok, I had these right next to my bed for a MONTH without eating them as an exercise in self control, I just felt so crappy today I couldn't handle it!)
special k
homemade pesto pizza
girl scout cookies

AAAAGH I ate so much food I feel like I've undone everything. That's what I get for forgetting a hugely important thing like water.

Cookie Monster

These chocolate chip cookies are killing me. Seriously. I've resisted cupcakes, ice cream, frosting, bacon, pizza, and donuts. I can get through the day on under 500 calories. I stopped drinking soda. I quit smoking on my first try. But leave me alone with homemade chocolate chip cookies and I WILL EAT ALL OF THEM. It's ridiculous! I have SO much self control when it comes to everything else! I've eaten like 30 cookies in the past two days! I had someone hand me a container of chocolate frosting and tell me I could have it, and I put it down without even opening it. I gave away the chocolate my mom gave me for Valentine's Day. I woke up to bacon and pancakes and had a cup of black coffee instead. But I've eaten almost all of these cookies! What garbage!

Things I Ate Today
Green tea
Coffee
Chicken and vegetable stir fry and potstickers
Cookies. TOO MANY COOKIES. blaaaghagh

Ong Bak 3: Disappointment of the Year.

No time alone at all until Tuesday. Two and a half weeks without being alone. This is the worst. This has been an awful winter. There have been snow days every other day so both my brothers and my mom are always around, now that it's not snowing everyone is getting sick. WHERE IS SUMMER.

I watched Ong Bak 3 today, HUGELY disappointed. Tony Jaa can hardly move for the first HOUR. And then he just dances around with a lady who does not look like she belongs in that time period at all. She is wearing a bumpit. There are like two fight scenes, and he's only in one of them! Granted the fight is pretty awesome, but then it doesn't actually happen? I didn't even understand what was happening. I mean, I don't watch Tony Jaa movies for the plot, but I do watch them for the ass kicking and there was hardly any of that. There was a lot of bad, unnecessary CGI, which has NO PLACE in a Tony Jaa movie. As soon as it was over I watched the first one, I couldn't have slept without some insane violence. I was so angry at that movie. It was all complicated plot and no violence. My brother put it well: "the plot of Tony Jaa movies is someone takes his stuff and then he kicks everyone until he gets it back." Ong Bak 3 did not follow this tried and true format. There was weird magic and he spends half the movie recuperating and HARDLY HURTS ANYONE. Man.

things i ate yesterday
green tea
chili
cookies (aaaagh my dad made cookies. i couldn't help myself.)

things i ate the day before that
green tea
black coffee
spinach and ricotta tortelloni with chicken sausage (SO good and only 300 calories total if you measure out the correct serving of tortelloni, which ends up being more than enough)

poutine and sheen

Aaaugh today was supposed to be my first alone time in almost TWO WEEKS and I was not left alone for even a second. I am really missing my crappy ol' apartment. My crappy ol' apartment above a pizza place.... I would kill for a donair right now. Or poutine. Oh Canadian food, you are so terrible and delicious. It's probably a good thing that I'm so far away. Having either of those foods described to you, they sound HORRIBLE. But they're so good! I never thought I would like poutine, but I love it. I now have many fond memories revolving around the mixture of french fries, gravy, and cheese curds. Sounds so gross but tastes so good.

I gotta stop thinking about amazingly disgustingly messy Canadian food. I wouldn't let myself eat it even if I could. Tomorrow I will get some time to myself hopefully. I can't do a full work out when there are people around here, it's driving me crazy. I feel like I've gotten huge. I mean, I know I haven't, but it feels that way. I was actually 141.5 this morning, which is my lowest in awhile, but I look bigger. Not a good feeling. I tried on a belt that I wore when I was about ten pounds heavier and it barely fit. blahghg.

On the brighter side, THIS IS GREAT:
http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/charlie-sheen-quotes-presented-by-baby-sloths

It combines my favorite things: the batshit lunacy of Charlie Sheen and baby things! I have never liked Charlie Sheen, I think Two and a Half Men is one of the worst shows on TV, but I am loving his insane ravings. Part of me is pretty sure he's just doing it for publicity to get people to watch his stupid show, but I really want him to actually be this crazy. He is pure comedy gold for the first time in his career.



Things I Ate Yesterday:
ginger tea
Gramma's chicken (breaded chicken stuffed with fontina and ham. SO GOOD and I only ate half so it wasn't so bad.)

Things I Ate Today:
ginger tea
chicken parmesan + spaghetti (aack i feel awful for eating this)

ice!

I meant to post last night but my ridiculous nonsense internet does not work in bad weather, and it is rough here. EVERYTHING is covered in ice. It is horrible and I am almost definitely going to make an ass of myself sliding/falling by the end of the day. I'll be alright with it once I get home, I kind of love playing on ice. I'm at the studio today though and I don't want to fall in front of strangers. Or worse, people I went to high school with who will ask me why I'm not in Canada. Yuck.

On a much more pleasant note I have rediscovered my love of Belle and Sebastian! I just bought Write About Love which made me want to listen to The Life Pursuit and Push Barman again and now I can't stop.

Augh I wanted to write more but I gots to get workin'.


Things I Ate (yesterday)
1 cup ginger tea
mini meatloaf and potatoes.
Oh meatloaf. It was a Cooking Light recipe so it wasn't too bad, calorie-wise.
I wish I hated meatloaf as much as everyone else seems to. But no. That shit's delish.

first post?

I have never blogged before! This is exciting. This is mostly going to be a weight loss type of blog, I'm looking for support and to support other people. And to talk about my life? I don't know. I will figure it out.

In November I dropped out of University and moved from Nova Scotia back home to Massachusetts. It is hard to lose weight with my family constantly around but I am working on it.

I weighed 148 at the beginning of the month, I'm now 143 and I'm hoping to be 120-125 by the end of May and then see how I feel about myself. I want to wear a bikini (for the first time ever!) this summer. I don't think I'm experienced enough to call myself pro-ana or anti-ana, I'm accepting of whatever people want to do with themselves. I won't tell people they're wrong if they do the same for me. I do not like my body or myself but I like everything else! This is kind of a crappy post but I will get the hang of it.


 Things I ate today:
1 cup ginger tea
2 slices homemade pesto pizza (I actually haven't eaten this yet but I am going to.)