tumbleweed

I may be switching to tumblr. I just made one today, I'm going to test it out and then decide whether I like this or that better.

Here is my tumblr:

noriseahorse.tumblr.com

bang bang bangity bang

Spent the night with my ex. I am like 99% sure he is a hypnotist. That is the only explanation. He's been SUCH an asshole but we keep on bangin'. Siiiiigh. He's cheated on me like a billion times, makes fun of me constantly, and left me for another girl TWICE. A whole lot of my self esteem issues can be traced back to him. But I really like sex and I don't have a whole lot of options. On the bright side, I bet it burns a whole lot of calories! And I am feeling pretty motivated not to eat since he is super skinny and tells me I am fat and out of shape. Aaagh SHOULD NOT WANT TO BANG. But I do. What is wrong with me?!

I want to go to Toronto to visit my friend. I don't make friends easily and I can never keep them long, which sucks. I really miss her. I am seriously thinking of hitch hiking but my passport just expired and I have babysitting obligations all month and my parents are talking about sending me to stay with my grandparents in Boston to help take care of my grandmother for awhile. That scares me. When you add the whole ex boyfriend situation in I am feeling like I'm being sucked into a life I REALLY don't want to be in. I'll just keep agreeing to babysit one more day, help out one more person, see him one more time, until I have a job and a relationship and an apartment and I won't be able to leave. As soon as I get my passport and babysitting money I am finding a new place to be. I am sick of Massachusetts. I am sick of everyone looking down on everyone else and always scowling and cold. And Nova Scotia's nice and friendly but there is nothing to do and I don't fit in. It shouldn't be this hard to find a place where I feel like I can stay still.

Things I Ate Today
Chicken Parmesan Sandwich (purged)
Pesto Onion Pizza (purged)
tomorrow i will do better.

workin' on my pancakes

I love the Bob Seger song Night Moves because you can replace the words "night moves" with pretty much anything and have an awesome song about what you're doing. Like going through a corn maze or making shorts or eating pancakes! We had breakfast for dinner tonight. I love night pancakes.

I have not been blogging for tooooo long. My week break ended up being way longer than a week. I don't even have an excuse, I've just been lazy. Also been binging/purging pretty much every day which is just plain shameful! Also seeing my ex boyfriend again which is a million times more shameful. We've had this horrible on again off again thing going on for the past four and a half years. That is a LONG TIME. A lot of lies and bad times. I'm only 19, what am I doing? I haven't had a real relationship with anyone else and he is a diiiiiick but we keep getting back together! It's ridiculous. I wasn't planning on talking about him but it is kind of infuriating and ranting helps.

I have been feeling crafty lately. Also sleepy and too lazy to finish a big project, so I've just been making lots of little origami things out of travel magazines and playing with fabric and knitting. I am making a pretty lacy shawl for my grandmother because she is in the hospital again. I hope it comes out alright, it looks nice so far but i have like 30 stitches more than i'm supposed to and I don't know why! Oh well, the bigger the better probably.

I'm not even going to say everything I ate today. It was a lot but I purged it all. And I am alright with it because we had night pancakes! I've also started the couch to 5k running program. I started it awhile ago actually. Jeez I really haven't written anything in a long time! My first day of running I thought I was going to die. The first week's supposed to be easy but I am really out of shape. And no matter where you go you will be running up a giant hill in this town. Honestly. Everything hurt. Buuuuut I bought a pair of running shoes and went through the humiliating horror that is sports bra shopping for a 32DD, so I gotta stick with it. It's already gotten easier and more fun. Got to work harder.

books

I've skipped a few days and I am going to skip a few more days. There is one week out of the month I just do not want to tell the internet how much I weigh and the disgusting things I'm eating. So here is a list of some of my favorite books. They have nothing to do with weight loss or fitness, they are just books that I would recommend reading because they are great. And I'm not going to talk about what they're about because I don't want to give anything away.

1. East of Eden by John Steinbeck. ALL TIME FAVORITE BOOK. I am very wishy washy and can never decide my favorites of anything, but this book is so good I cried when I finished it. I was happy because it was great but I WANTED MORE. Man. I'm going to start re reading it tomorrow. He should have won the Nobel for this instead of Pastures of Heaven. I love Pastures of Heaven but East of Eden deserved it so much more.

(sidenote, the rest of these aren't in order of how much i like them. i could never decide that.)

2. Of Human Bondage by W Somerset Maugham. This is great to read if you have just graduated and have no idea what is going to happen with your life and you are scared. I read it after quitting University for the second time after changing my major three times after running away from my problems too many times. Also my boyfriend had just left me for another girl for the second time and I moved to a different country than where all my friends were. This is a good book to read if you are in that sort of mindset. It will make you feel better, as long as you get to the end.

3. Song of Solomon OR Beloved by Toni Morrison. I love Toni Morrison. She writes so beautifully. Really some of the most heartbreakingly beautiful words I've ever read.

4. The Old Curiosity Shop by Charles Dickens. Really anything by Dickens is worth reading, but Quilp is so freaking fascinating to me. I mean, Dickens isn't where to go if you're looking for something really deep and meaningful, but if you want an amazingly intricate, insanely detailed story with lots and lots of wild and crazy characters you can become really attached to, Dickens is your man. I take forever to read anything by him, he's one of my favorite authors.

5.  Pretty much anything by John Irving except Setting Free the Bears. If anyone else had that many recurring elements in every single book they write I would hate them, but John Irving can do whatever the hell he wants and I will like it. I wouldn't recommend Setting Free the Bears but he gets one free pass considering how many other awesome books he's written.

6. The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka. I hated this book at first. After giving it more than two seconds' thought and actually making an effort at understanding the metaphors I loved it.

7. The Stranger by Albert Camus. I've read three different translations of this. I was totally obsessed with it after I read it for the first time. I even tried reading it in the original french a few times but my french is hooooorrible. If you speak french you would probably enjoy it even more. If not you may still thoroughly enjoy it. This was my introduction to existentialism and it was exactly what I was looking for at the time. Another good book to read if you're feeling lost.

Some Poets I Like
e.e. cummings
Frank O'Hara
Tony Hoagland
Charles Bukowski
Billy Collins

I am sleepy. There are probably a lot more books I will wish I had put on here but too bad.

My Dad Deserves Whatever the Hell He Wants.

Today was a binge/purge day. Blerrrg. I haven't done that in so long. I made a good dinner; brie, apple and arugula quesadillas, 364 calories a quesadilla. I would have been under my ABC limit if I only ate that, like I planned, but my dad came home with a bag of chocolate chips and asked me to make him cookies, and he's been so down about everything I had to do it. And once I had cookies I wanted to eat everything else. I'm glad I made them though. My dad is one of the greatest people who ever lived. And I'm not just saying that because he's my dad. For years he worked providing prosthetic limbs to land mine/natural disaster victims in third world countries. After that he created a social services program to help underprivileged, disabled, and abused kids. He found foster homes, adoptive parents, night school classes, tutors, driver's ed, apartments, and so much more for these kids that couldn't get any help from anyone else. But then they lost their grant money, some foster parents turned out to be horrible people, and the whole program changed entirely and moved hours and hours away. He has helped SO many people and he gets nothing in return. He gets less than nothing in return. He gets to miss out on his own family. He gets to drive hours and hours away from home almost every day. He gets to come home in the middle of the night to a cold dinner and everyone asleep. He gets to make less money than people who are just starting out. It's not fair. He is such a great person, he goes above and beyond what anyone else does. So he deserves all the cookies he can eat. We ate almost all of the cookies and watched Fringe, because the two of us always watch Fringe. Nobody else likes it. I don't even really like it, I just like watching it with him. And then I went upstairs, turned the shower on, and puked, which made me feel awful but better at the same time. I do not like doing it in this house. My dad caught me doing it once, months ago. He gets so worried, he feels he needs to help me and he just has enough to deal with already. I'm not going to do it again if I can help it. I love my dad. I want things to get better.

Well this is a depressing post.

I just had some warm milk and melatonin, hoping to sleep through the night.

Today I Ate

coffee - 5
mini tortilla with nutella - 280
8 saltines with peanut butter - 476
brie, apple, and arugula quesadillas - 364 calories
cookies  - A BUNCH.


total: whatever i puked anyway.
abc limit: 400

What's cookin' good lookin'?

139 this morning! A month ago I was nine pounds heavier! I have been extremely lazy today though, I have had NO exercise, not even wii fit. I am not getting my hopes up for tomorrow's weight, even though I stayed under my ABC limit. I'm still in a good mood though, I had fun today. Watched Breakfast at Tiffany's and Raiders of the Lost Ark. It didn't hit me what a weird combination that is until I just typed it out.


I made dinner tonight! Making it myself is really the only way to guarantee it's under my calorie limit, and it's not like anyone's going to complain about me making them dinner. I made a spinach and feta calzone casserole, it's another Cooking Light recipe. 275 calories a serving and it's super tasty and filling! My cooking skills can be described as virtually nonexistent when it comes to anything besides cakes, cookies, and pizza dough, but this was super easy. And GOOD. I was happy with it. Especially happy since I stayed under 300 calories! I like making dough. Pizza dough is fun but it's all in a food processor, this was all by hand so there was more kneading, which i enjoy thoroughly. I really like cooking. Eating, not so much. I'm going to try to cook as often as I can. It's a really enjoyable way to improve myself and keep exact track of my calories. Doesn't get much better than that.


I can't stop listening to the song She's a Jar by Wilco. Even though it makes me sad. It's so good. I wish I could afford to go to Solid Sound this year.

Things I Ate Today

green tea - 0

coffee - 5

spinach and feta calzone casserole - 275

Total: 280
ABC Limit: 300

bed bed bed

139.5! SUCK IT, WORLD! Waaaahaha I felt so good when I saw that this morning. I know weight is fickle and it'll probably be up and down all over the place this week, but I am happy right now. Back on track! I've been up since 4:30 though and am exhausted so I won't say much today. Hopefully I will sleep through the night tonight for once?

Things I Ate Today

green tea - 0

ginger tea - 0

2/3 cup cheese tortellini with 1 tbsp pesto - 320

mini tortilla with 1 tbsp cinammon raisin peanut butter - 160 (I could have done without this, but i really wanted something sweet and I was considerably under 500)

Total Calories: 480
ABC Limit: 500